Death can only complete Life..

"Mom is in ICU" 

the first message I read when i was struggling to open my eyes on a lazy Sunday morning...  the message got my eyes wide open... 

Lotsa calls… back and forth..amongst all of us…

She is on ventilator.. Chances are bleak !!!  

WHAT !!!

Uncertainty..

Uncertainty of 'Life' ... !!! 

Come on.. It's me !! My life.. So controlled and stable.. 

Uncertainty can’t beat me or fight so hard ! 

“Mom”.. omg ! No…

Shitt !! Last I spoke to her was 2 days back..

Did I tell her… I care for her… did I tell her… how much I wanna thank her...guess, I din’t even express…how much I love her.. or rather, How much 'we' loved her.. All four of us.. 

Perhaps... We had taken her for granted.. Like most of us do.. Mom !!! after all !! 

I was cold ! A few real strong chills passed through the backbone… my body was shivering…while the mind was wandering….wandering like mad ! totally haywire…! Randomly travelling in between present, past and future…at a threatening speed…!!

Body shivered... !! Heart had sunk.. !! Throat was dry and I was speechless.. Commotion and its Resonance took over the peace…!!!

Amidst of all certainties around.. Here is a news, that had torn me apart...badly...

"Pray" 

"Pray ???" What ??? What do I pray for !!! 

Come on !! Tell me.... Help me... What do I pray for... !! 

For all 3 days we spent, while she was in there...With all those variety of machines attached to boost her life force... All variety of needles / tubes.. As if were carrying a message inside her body that...

“We're waiting for you, Aai.. Come back..”

“We will take care of you..No matter what”

While the life battle was on.. We were struggling hard to keep alive the positivity and exploring further possibilities.. N finally the moment comes when all anxieties, dilemmas and exploration comes to rest !!! 

Traumatic and devastated !!

Each of us is.. To see her Immovable.. Emotion less.. Life less... !!! 

‘Life’ comes to life with an ‘End’ planned!!!

Unaware and Ignorant, we silly beings are....having read and understood all…!!! 

Her journey came to an end.. And our journey started..

From that very point...

Journey through the ‘darkness’...which we never thought we had to cross..

Loss.. Getting used to life without her around..

A guilt of not expressing all that which we never expressed..things which were undone…

Just because we were waiting for the bloody “right time”….

Above all.. The Fear & Panic... started coming on surface...like those wild bubbles of a boiling water…totally out of control…making the evenings and nights appear Life Threatening... Monstrous... Devilish... So much so that nothing felt good.. !! 

Fear of the ‘Unknown’…. and Fear of the “Known” …too !!

"Pray" 

Pray?? Did you just say that... ?? 

Are you freaking mad ?? 

What prayer.. ??

Can i ?? How ?? The whole mind is so…so… full .. The heart is so full...

Full of Pain.. Panic.. Fear.. !!

Don’t you know.. I have just lost the best place.. Where I used to go when I used to feel such fear and panic... Now “What”…???  

"She is watching you ??"  "She is somewhere around ??"

"She would come back….!! Very soon…!!"

NO!!! STOPPP!!! 

That's not true !! 

Listen…. !! She is not gonna come back.. She is not watching me...

And she is not around too... I have seen that lifeless body… so immovable and cold !!

She is gone… ! She is gone forever… Never to return..!!

Her end was planned..it was destined...

Atleast now.. let me not get carried away with those delusions…

Atleast now, let me, learn to “Accept”….. Accept the moment as it is… Accept “Life” as it is… Embrace it with open heart…. In its true nature… with all its pains and pleasures…
let it now sink….let me now, absorb it… 

Atleast now, let me accept, the only certainty in life is "Death"..

Like the "period" in a beautifully articulated sentence... the full stop... Is what we all know it as... Can only complete the sentence.. and offers it the much needed wholesomeness and meaning.. 

Only “Death” completes life... And…

Gives birth to a New Life... 

Enough was been heard, read and intellectually processed inside the brain… but superficial it was all… ! It was someone else’s learning after all… some wise beings….

Now… was the time for me…

Time for ME to Face it ! Accept it ! 

Embrace it ! Live it !.....and make it a part of my being…of who I am !!

Exactly…. like the way mom is…… a part of my ‘being’ ! an essential and significant part of who I am !

Now, will happen the real “Prayer”….in Silence and Acceptance…

Love you mom always….

To the reader: I am sure, you may be able to slightly understand, what I have expressed here… but let me tell you, you will understand it and feel it only when you would experience it…

Trust me ! it’s the most substantial learning experience…!

Embrace it with open heart… ! Feel it and Above all… Live it !

March 13, happens to be Mom's Birthday... We had great plans to make her feel special on her 70th birthday..this year... but alas !!